My personal struggle with body image
We are bombarded daily with images or gorgeous women who have perfect skin, teeth, figures, and lives. Or so we are led to believe. I am thankful we are seeing more ad campaigns including women of other shapes and sizes lately. However, that doesn’t undo the damage that has been created from years and years of seeing it. I wish the song “Victoria’s Secret” had come out when I was a teenager! However, that being said, as a teenager I had a rockin’ bod! I thought it had horrible flaws, but in reality it was smokin!
After giving birth to each of my 4 children I was over joyed when 1 week (freaking one week) later I hoped back into my size 5 jeans and they fit. WTF! Who does that shit? I was “blessed”, But even with that body I heard all sorts of crap about it. “You need to eat more.” “You’re too skinny!” “Do you ever actually eat?” It took a toll. I never thought I was good enough. Even though I looked good, it still wasn’t good enough. And when I looked in the mirror all I saw were the stretch marks and saggy boobs from breast feeding 4 beautiful babies. I earned those beautiful marks and saggy boobs, damn it! I created life and nourished it with my own body. But, there I was, filled with negative self talk. When I got divorced things plummeted even further and I was down to a whopping 97 lbs. I ate like crazy trying to gain weight and couldn’t because of all the stress. I had several people confront me and tell me how concerned they were for me and my health. Damn….I was too. I was a nurse and was doing everything I knew to stay healthy, but the stress was taking a toll and my body was paying the price.
Then poof! I got sick. I was diagnosed with autoimmune disorders and I gained 80lbs in 2 months due to the medications I had to take just to be able to function and do normal everyday things like shower and get dressed. Talk about a game changer. And the weight just kept climbing. I tried everything to stop it, but it kept climbing. Talk about a mind F*%$. Not only was I struggling to deal with a life altering diagnosis and my loss of autonomy but, I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. I felt as though my body had let me down in every way imaginable. I was angry. Angry as hell! I spent a year pissed off. I had gone from a size XS to a size 2XL in a matter of months. Nothing fit, I was uncomfortable, exhausted, in pain and down right depressed. I grieved for the person I used to be. I wished, pleaded and prayed to return to my “normal”. That was not to be. My life would forever be changed by autoimmune disorders and the medications I need to take in order to function day to day. I had to accept my body was going to look, feel, and act differently than it had before. Easier said than done!
There was a lot of mental work that went into accepting who I now was. There was a lot of reflection. I had to look at what truly mattered in life. And it didn’t matter if I was a size 2 or a size 22. A lot of tears were cried. A lot of frustration was felt. Slowly, I began to climb out of my depression. I began to see my body as no longer a prison, but a unique opportunity of connection most people don’t understand. My body talks to me in ways other people ignore. I ignored mine too, for too long. It had to get super bossy and yell at me to get my attention. I had to change my thinking in a lot of ways to accept my new body and new reality. I had to stop thinking of my body as broken or defective or as anything less than perfect. I wasn’t any of those things. It was unique and beautiful in it’s own way. It had been beautiful before and it was no less beautiful now. It had more stretchmarks that marked my journey through this chapter, for sure. But, now I see them as battle scars, a warrior’s proof of surviving a great battle. I had to make a consious decision to be a warrior and not a victim.
A beautiful thing started happening when I changed my thinking and started to love and accept my body. The weight stopped climbing and I was actually able to lose some weight. I was loving and nurturing myself in all ways again! I was exercising, sleeping, and eating right. And because of that my body loved me right back. It has always been faithful to me, even when I was the ugliest to it. It has shown up for me every day, no matter how poorly I treated it or talked to it. And for that I owe it my eternal gratitude. When I changed my way of thinking new doors began opening. I started stepping thru them and a wonderful new world began to emerge. I never would have become a photographer had I not gotten sick. I certainly would never have been in the position to reach so many beautiful souls as I do with Boudoir Photography had I not gone through what I have been through.
Often, when we are in the thick of a murky battle, we are unable to see the light. It is there, but clouded by the heaviness of the situation. After time and reflection we are able to see, what we once thought was so daunting, was actually a huge blessing in disguise. I am thankful each day I have gone thru the trials I have been thru. It has shaped me into who I am. And although I am flawed, I am perfect…..just as I am.
