New Chapters
I am a storyteller and life is one big story book to me. Each chapter is unique and filled with it’s own story and lesson. Last week I was able to speak at the Women’s Leadership Network Conference here in town. What an honor! I have been debating on whether or not to share what I had prepared. My heart decided I needed to. My hope is perhaps someone out there is going thru something and can relate and will know they will come out the otherside changed, but better for it. So here goes…
I look back on my life (almost a half century now) and look at all the beautiful chapters I have written and I am in awe. I have been a maid in a dive motel, worked for the legislature, owned a restaurant, and as a single mother of three went back to school and became a nurse. Now here I am, an award winning, published photographer. What a ride!
Five years ago one of my chapters ended and I honestly didn’t know how to begin a new one. My mother, who was my everything, lost her battle to Pancreatic Cancer and I lost myself. I had put down my camera when she got sick and I didn’t pick it up for three years. I couldn’t see a world without her in it.
My next chapter was uncertain, scary, and full of dread and fear of failure. How the HELL was I going to do this without her? She was my compass after all. For 14 months I was my mom’s caregiver. She was my best friend, confidant, and my world. Losing her was the toughest thing I have ever gone thru. When she passed I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was no longer Mitzi’s daughter. Who was I? I felt like a balloon who’s string had been let go of; adrift in the sky without direction. I was lost and needed to figure out how to “see” again.
On a whim, and with much urging from my family, I loaded my car one day and left the house. And so began a 1500 mile, 6 day solo road trip. No plans. When I wanted to turn right I did. When I wanted to turn left I turned left. I took my camera with me on that trip. Not only did I listen to a LOT of Creedance and AC/DC at full volume with the windows down, but I took a LOT of pictures. I was never alone, really. My Mom, God, the Universe, Nature they were all there counseling me the whole time. Then on day six I knew I had begun to heal and it was time to go home. I made several commitments to myself during that time away…
I promised to be true to myself
I gave myself permission to be my own person and the artist I chose to be. No more trying to please everyone all the time
I gave myself permission to forgive others, but I also forgave MYSELF
I gave myself permission to live again and make this life and this chapter the best one yet
I gave myself permission to succeed
I gave myself permission to fail
For me, the biggest aversion to transformation was the fear of failure. Can you relate? What if I fall on my face? What if my business doesn’t make any money? What if I say the wrong thing? What if what if what if….
I embraced failure. So much so I began a love affair with it. If I am going to do something I am going to do it up good. So I decided to fail with all the fan fair and glory I could. I also committed to do things that were my truth and no one else’s. I would be the woman and the artist I chose to be, not who others wanted me to be. Once that happened the fear factor took a back seat. Now, it still calls to me from its seat in the peanut gallery from time to time. However, it no longer controls where I am going.
Just this year I had to pivot, to transform, to face the F word. I had a thriving newborn photography business. However, I also have this wonderful thing called autoimmune disease that likes to TRY to take me out from time to time. I had pushed too hard this spring and my health relapsed. I had to cut back on photographing those beautiful babies significantly. However, with all things in life there was a silver lining. I was able to pick up an old love of mine which I had neglected for far too long, Boudoir. I have missed it so much as it allows me to create beautiful art while empowering, encouraging and loving on women who need and deserve it. I am so very blessed to have been given the opportunity to, once more, turn and grown in another direction. Because I have learned to embrace change, and no longer have a paralyzing fear of failure, I was able to cut back and nurture another passion of mine. Another chapter has begun and it is looking mighty steamy (which could also be hot flashes…not sure which).
Your biography is being written. What does you next chapter say? I know I am excited to know all about it.
In loving memory of Mitzi Richards
