A Year of Self Discovery

Being a boudoir photographer you would think I would have experienced the powers of boudoir for myself long before now. However, my personal journey with boudoir started New Year’s Day of last year. I sat in my living room and and thought, “Why not?” . And so began a year of self love and discovery, one which I will continue on a deeper level this year. I learned getting nakey can be more intimidating than I realized. Even photographing myself, by myself, I discovered I had more hang ups about my physical self than I realized. Even though I knew the poses and angles and all the “tricks”, looking at the photos was difficult. It wasn’t that the photos weren’t beautiful. It was my mind. The negative committee had been a resident there for so long. That committee knew exactly how to break down my self confidence and show me all my supposed flaws in an instant. I thought I had mastered all that b.s.! I was wrong. Then came the imposter syndrome. If I felt this way, how could I possibly photograph other women and give them the experience they deserved? Was I really a good enough photographer to photograph them when I took such crappy photos of myself? Was I a good enough human to provide them a safe space to be venerable? How could I tell a woman to embrace herself as she is if I couldn’t do that after seeing my photos? What I discovered in the months following changed me and made me fall in love with the art of Boudoir photography even more! I am a better artist and person because of it.

First, I had to tell the negative committee to sit down and shut up! I sat with my photos and really studied them. I asked myself what about them bothered me. I had gained weight. Ok. Well, didn’t that mean I was also well fed? Didn’t that also mean I enjoyed snacks with my grandbabies, and meals with my family? I also took note that I have managed to keep some of my previous weight off for over 5 years now and that is also a win. Another hang up were my wrinkles. Well, those laugh lines around my eyes, didn’t that mean I had joy in my life? And those worry lines on my forehead, those came from trials that helped me grow into the person I am today. Stretch marks, well what a blessing those are! I carried 4 beautiful babies! As I continued to go thru each of my “complaints” I was able to change my thinking and see how each were a part of my story. Some were battle scars, others were the result of great blessings. All of them proved my body has faithfully shown up for me day in and day out and it has a story to tell.

Now I needed to surrender to the process. How does one go about doing that? First was allowing someone else to photograph me. My dear friend, Devan, and I scheduled monthly sessions with one another. It was a bit intimidating at first being the subject instead of the one behind the camera. However, connecting with your photographer is so important. If you don’t connect or trust them with the vision I don’t know how you could fully open up and allow yourself the freedom to experience all Boudoir has to offer beyond the photographs. I trusted Devan to pose me and guide me in a way that would be flattering and honor both my journey and my body. In between times with Devan I practiced my self portraiture and began to learn how to pose my own body and which camera angles worked for me with a camera on a tripod using a remote (not the easiest thing in the world lol). With each session I was able to let my walls down and surrender a little more. I also noticed during this time I was honoring myself and my body more outside the studio as well. I was taking time to recharge, taking better care of myself, and doing more things that brought me joy. I was able to connect to my clients faster and on a deeper level than before and my work showed it.

Surrender helped me realize I was really short changing myself. I was denying myself so much joy in life. By forgetting about the glorious, feminine creature I am at my core I was simply crossing things off my to do list with a few bonus items thrown in for fun. By tapping into the woman I remembered how special I am and what unique gifts come from being a woman. I am soft, yet strong. I am brave and gentle. I am powerful and independent and driven, yet crave intimacy and being cared for. By surrendering to the process I was able to take off all the masks, or hats, I wear and strip back to who I am at the core of my being and celebrate myself! I am still a work in process, but damn it is glorious.

Here I am, just over a year later. The changes are significant. I take time each day to find some joy and honor myself and my journey. I have gone from granny panties to owning more lingerie than you can imagine. I own it for me and because it makes me feel feminine and special. I still wear several hats every day, but at the end of the day I remember I am a powerful, feminine woman worthy of all life has to offer. This next year will be a continuation of this self exploration. I cannot wait to see what I learn as I surrender even more to the process.